“Don’t call me. I won’t pick up the phone”

This article is a rant, an outburst, a byproduct of my frustration towards the concept of phone calls. Mobile phones are a great invention. Mobile phones indicate a significant advancement in technology and it’s only fair that we make use of it. Why are we still in a world that needs to ‘talk’ to each other to be able to talk to each other? Shouldn’t phone calls be extinct?

I wish I can have a phone that I use only to text. I wish telecom providers start supplying “Text only” versions of their SIM cards. I wish the world understands introverts better. I wish mobile phones are built only with speakers and no microphones.

To no one in particular…

It might break your heart when I say this but I actually don’t pick up your calls intentionally. Don’t take it personally, I don’t pick up anyone’s call. I’ve missed pizza deliveries because I didn’t want to pick up phone calls.

I do not understand why you have to use voice to communicate with me. Isn’t my formatted, punctuated, perfectly written text message not good enough for you? Why do you need me to translate text into voice?

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to you (Who am I kidding, I DON’T want to talk to you) but I don’t like the fact that I have only a few seconds to process what you said, think about what I’m going to say, refine, filter, rephrase and actually say it. See how hard it is? I don’t like that. I like to answer in my own time. If you give me space, I won’t take long.

A phone call completely disrupts me, it kills my flow. I spend a lot of time thinking and your phone call asks me to stop that. I can choose to ignore your call by turning on the Silent mode but yet you text me to pick up your phone call. Don’t you get the point? It’s not a ‘missed’ call. It’s an ‘I-Saw-It-But-Chose-Not-To-Pick-It-Up’ call.

I can talk to you on the phone but there are rules. I need to be mentally prepared for the call. You need to tell me in advance so that I can prepare myself to spend the next few minutes ‘talking’. Calling me out of the blue and expecting to have a conversation is NOT acceptable. I will ignore your call. I will not feel bad about it.

When is it okay to call?

1. When you’re physically not able to type/see — even then, voice notes might work

2.A scheduled discussion — If I’ve agreed that we have something to discuss, we can set apart some time and discuss it.

3.When I suggest it — It is a rare occasion but if I feel that I need a call, I’ll make my move. You have to respect that move as it’s incredibly hard for me. But if needed, I will call you.

When is it ABSOLUTELY NOT okay to call?

1. Asking for updates — It is unacceptable to ask “Have you done it? What is this? Why is that?” questions over a phone call. Text me, I’ll clearly explain. I’ll include memes, comics, flowcharts, guidebooks if needed. I will not pick up the phone.

2.To convey information — Sirusly? You just called to TELL me something? Isn’t it easier for both of us if you had just texted? I just don’t get — ARRGGH!

1. While we’re texting — I choose to text for a reason. You cannot simply assume that I’ll be okay to continue the conversation over a phone call. No, I’m sorry, call someone else.

2. When I’ve just spoken to you 10 minutes back — Talking on the phone drains energy. In my head, I’m waiting to get off the call and go spend some alone time to regain it. Calling me ‘back’ will ABSOLUTELY ruin my day.

3. After asking me to call you — I’ve not called you. Read the signs. I do not want to talk.

4. When I’ve just ignored your first call — Not picking up your call does not mean that I’ve not seen my phone. It means that I chose not to. Calling again will NOT help.

5. To just ‘randomly’ talk — I don’t do that, sorry.

6. Any other reason that’s not mentioned on the “When’s it okay to call?” section — Actually, even if you have a reason that’s mentioned above, don’t call me.

You have to understand that it’s not you, it’s me. I understand it doesn’t make sense and I don’t expect you to fully understand. I just want you to take my word for it when I say that I like/respect you but I don’t want to talk to you on the phone.

P.S Let me meet you in the middle. Let’s settle for voice notes.